During the tube strike last month I had to endure a ghastly bus journey to get me to work. It was horrid. I was sat beside a mother and her son (her husband and daughter were on the seats on the other side). They were a nice Scottish family who had decided to take a nice vacation into London....... stupid, stupid idea.
When they first settled I tried to be polite and offered my seat up so the son could sit but the mother declined and plopped the boy right on her lap. After about five minutes the kids started "mum, I want to sit down... make her move... I'm tired... mover her... I want to look out the window... make her move..." and basically being a rude little shit. I asked the mother if she wanted me to move but again, she politely declined. Yet she didn't shut her son up.
Now, for people who have kids they can shrug it off and say 'kids just do that' but personally it really pisses me off. I mean, how rude is that? If I did the same thing people wouldn't accept it and would tell me to stop. And that's when I started to think, why can kids get away with that kind of behaviour? Isn't it something you should nip in the bud quickly to prevent your kids growing up to be a shit? This kid was far too old to be acting like that.
Part of me wants to start doing kid-esque things in public just to see how understanding and considerate others would be towards me..... I bet they wouldn't. Now, I know full well that when I was younger that I did all these things (that are listed below) when I was younger. My mum loves pointing these out. Apparently I was a fucking idiot when I was a kid. This is something I struggle to deal with, as I hate kids but for things I put my own mother through. I am a walking, talking psych case.
Anyways, back to my list. These are things that kids are allowed to do that adults are not. I personally think we should be allowed to, because if a child sees and adult being stupid it may make them reconsider their own behaviour.
Say Exactly Whats On Their Mind
If I was ever in the middle of a conversation and I lost interest, I still have to endure the rest of the conversation because society dictates that as the norm. Announcing "I'm bored now" and just walking off is not proper decorum.
If I was bought a present and I didn't like it, I couldn't pass it back and declare "I don't like it" because that would hurt the persons feelings.
If I went into a public toilet and someone had clearly just been and it was pungent, I'm not allowed to shout "it stinks in here" because the other women would feel embarrassed.
Fall Asleep Anywhere
I was on a bus once and the kid sitting next to me fell asleep and landed on my lap. I turned to his mother expecting her to lift him off but instead she gave me a "aww, look at him all tuckered out" look and smiled. How is this acceptable? If I fell asleep in her kids lap I'd get arrested, yet he could do what he wanted? And when I asked the mother (politely) to move her child she glared at me like I was the bad guy. I couldn't quite get my head around it.
I miss the days when I was young where I'd fall asleep in the car and wake up in bed. I can't do that now. It's not fair.
Kick People
A few years ago, at my sisters wedding, my nephew was going through a bit of a phase and throughout the whole reception he kept kicking me. Under the table, on the dance floor, a quick boot to the shin. It was really irritating. I told his mum (my other sister) what was happening but because she didn't see it she couldn't tell him off. So I decided to. He gave me one final boot and I flipped, and called him a jerk. To be fair, considering my expansive vulgar language fluency everyone should be grateful I didn't say anything worse. However just saying jerk really pissed everyone else off. I get that he was just a kid but I had enough. If I went round kicking people I'd get punched in the face.
Cry
This one you can get away with but you would be considered mentally unstable. I really wish I could just stay at home watching Netflix all day, but I can't cry and snot to get my own way, so why should kids? This is something that really needs to be stopped quickly because its rather dickish behaviour. I see kids every day bawling their eyes out over tiny, stupid things. I know I can cry at times just because I forgot something or dropped something, but that is usually due to a buildup of emotion. I don't cry hourly over stupid shit.
Pee Their Pants
This one is a little different because little kids have little bladders and sometimes you just can't help the fact that a kid pees, it's just the acceptance I don't think is fair. If I was to ever piss my drawers I would be laughed at and teased for the rest of my life, but apparently you can't do the same to kids because its 'damaging'. I always make it to the toilet in time, I understand the feeling of needing to go and and I have a large, strong bladder, so if any slipped out it'd be down to an illness or something.
I know a lot of adults who have peed their pants, but that has just been due to sever inebriation, that doesn't count.
Along with this, peeing the bed is widely accepted with children because it's like a right of passage. They can't tell they need to go until... whoops, they went. But the acceptance stops when you reach a certain age, usually around the 7-10 mark.
I can't tell you the amount of times I've gone to the toilet in my dream and then *just* woke up in time just as I was about to release. But I can't admit that out loud because the teasing would start.
Throw Tantrums and Act the Prat
Sometimes I really REALLY want chocolate, but I don't have the money for it. I wish I could throw myself on the floor, kicking and screaming until my mum turns up and buys it for me. But she never does, because I am old enough to know how fucking rude tantrum throwing is. When I used to work in HMV I ran the Children's section for a while and the amount of times I saw kids screaming like banshees because they wanted a DVD, throwing all the stock around because they couldn't get their own way.... its one of the reasons I hate kids as much as I do. Asshole behaviour.
Sit With Their Legs Wide Open, Flashing Knickers.
This one REALLY bugs me. Why can't parents teach young girls early how to sit like a human. This whole spread eagle stuff is gross, especially considering all the dangers there are in the world, and all the pervs who stare, you would try and do your best to avoid it all. This isn't me saying if a kid sits spread eagle they deserve the attention, I'm just saying its best to avoid it.
Be Fucking Gross.
Picking noses and wiping it places, digging and scratching places without any dignity.... it's gross. I feel physically sick just thinking of it. I know a lot of adults who still do this, and I hate them for it. I remember a few years ago seeing a girl literally digging her asshole on a packed bus. And the mother didn't even stop her. I mean, that is just wrong on a million levels.
Tuesday, 1 September 2015
Friday, 28 August 2015
Halloween Tag
Yes, I am fully aware August isn't even over yet, No I do not care. I have been waiting for September for almost nine months! So I'm three days early, big deal.
I've noticed this tag popping up a lot over the past week on YouTube, Tumblr and Instagram, but the questions varied. So I decided to bunch them all together, delete any duplicates and create my own tag. Any excuse to talk about Halloween really.
I've noticed this tag popping up a lot over the past week on YouTube, Tumblr and Instagram, but the questions varied. So I decided to bunch them all together, delete any duplicates and create my own tag. Any excuse to talk about Halloween really.
Favourite thing about Halloween?There isn't a single thing, it's the whole of Halloween. Anyone who knows me is aware of my borderline obsession. It's my favourite time of year and is really the only time I'm ever truly happy. I start my 'Halloween Prep' in September, using the month to plan all the DIY I want to do, all the movies I want to watch and all the things I want to buy. I pretty much celebrate Halloween throughout the whole of October, it's a 31 day affair for me.
But I would have to say one of my favourite things is the Simpsons Treehouse of Horror episodes come on the TV. That's when you KNOW Halloween is soon. Another would be the quantity of horror movies that are shown on TV. I've pretty much seen them all, but I like that things get a little spooky.
Favourite Halloween song?
There are many songs that are my favourites, but if I had to choose - gun to my head - it would have to be Monster Mash. It's a classic. But I would also say This is Halloween, I Put a Spell on You, Red Right Hand, Don't Fear the Reaper and Bad Moon Rising. Also, I'm a sucker for soundtracks so pop on the Halloween, Lost Boys, Fright Night or Psycho soundtrack for a extra creepy feel. I've been listening to my 'horror' soundtracks whilst travelling to and from work recently.
Favourite Halloween candy?
Candy Corn, Tootsie Rolls, Twizzlers and Jolly Ranchers. But mostly Candy Corn. It's a shame they are not easily accessible over here.
Favourite Halloween store?
We don't have dedicated Halloween stores in the UK, which sucks. We have to rely on supermarkets for supplies. I also order things online.
Favourite Halloween Movie?
I can't chose just one. I love too many. I would say Hocus Pocus, Halloweentown, Casper and Tower of Terror for 'family films' and Idle Hands, Halloween and Trick R Treat for 'Halloween horrors'.
I save Nightmare Before Christmas for the 1st of November every year because it's just after Halloween and it's a great way to kick start my Christmas prep. (I do the same thing for Christmas, November is prep and Christmas is a month long).
Favourite Halloween memory?
My mum helping me dress up as a bat and making my wings with a bin liner, then going to the local play-centre where we bobbed for apples. I must have been about five at the time.
Favourite Halloween decoration?
I will finally have the chance to decorate a 'Halloween Tree' this year which I'm pretty stoked about. Last year I didn't have the space, but I'm making damn sure I can do it this time around. But other than that it'd have to be spiderwebs. They're a classic.
Favourite Serial Killer?
Jack the Ripper. Standard. He is a British legend. Probably not something we should ever be proud of considering the bastard was never caught which shows how shit our 'police force' are, but I really love the story. I am currently working in a building that is round the corner from where Catherine Eddowes body was discovered.
Favourite thing about Halloween Shopping?
The house decor that pops up in shops. To me it's general decor and not seasonal, so I usually have to stock up. And even still, we don't get all the good stuff like America does. If I ever lived in the states I would go HAM on Michaels and Target.
Least favourite thing about Halloween?
I hate that the UK doesn't embrace Halloween like the US does.
Worst Halloween Memory?
I used to work nights back when I worked for HMV so there were a couple of years where I'd have to spend the night putting out stock. I was lucky thou as we always had horror movies on the TVs and although I still think of those times fondly, they are the worst Halloweens I've had.
What are you dressing up as this year?
The plan was to dress up as Dr Frank-N-Furter from The Rocky Horror Picture Show, but I don't see that happening anymore. So, I probably won't dress up this year.
What was your best costume?
Last year I dressed up as a witch and I gotta say, I didn't look that bad.
Ever been to Salem, Massachusetts?
No, but I really REALLY want to go. Not just for the quintessential witchy feel, but also because of the colours. I adore 'Fall' and one of my biggest dreams in life is to experience Fall in New England. Preferably in Vermont, but I think Salem would win out just because of the historic aspect.
Ever had a paranormal experience?
I've had experiences, I wouldn't really call them paranormal, just not normal. I suffer from sleep paralysis and when I describe how it feels it can come across paranormally.... is that a word? It's a horrendous thing to experience and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Ever had your fortune told?
No, however I did have a weird woman 'read my aura' and apparently it's mostly black. Which is great because at least it matches my wardrobe.
Have you ever played with a Ouija Board?
When I was younger, yes. My sister and I tried to make one out of a drinking glass and a crudely scribbled alphabet. I'm sure we did it wrong thou because nothing happened. My sister faked a few bits but I wasn't daft.
Have you ever seen a dead body?
I had experiences in my life that did lead to seeing dead bodies but I think I must have blocked them from my mind as I don't recall the actual body itself, just the situation. However, I did go and see my nan before her funeral. That was a little odd. I was only 15 at the time.
Have you ever played Bloody Mary?
Of course. Who hasn't. nothing happened thou.
I do, yes. Obviously discussing religion and the afterlife is a touchy subject so it's best not discussed. But I will say I believe in them because I have had experiences that have made me believe.
Do you like Haunted Houses?
Oddly, no. They're always annoyingly childish and lame. Obviously, because they are steered more towards kids. I see through all the shitty mechanics and junk. I would love to go into a proper haunted house thou, like the ones in the US.
Do you live near any ‘spooky’ places?
I used to live on a housing estate that was built on top of an old maternity hospital. That was pretty creepy. But now I work right next to the Crossrail location in Liverpool Street, which means I'm yards away from the plague burial sites. That's a little spooky, all those skeletons are being dug up as I type.
Do you still trick-or-treat?
No. Apparently I'm "too old" to do that anymore. Which I personally think is both stupid and bogus. However, the upside of being an adult is I can just buy my own Halloween junk food. I know what I like so I can get whatever I like rather than just taking some strangers grotty crap. I think I just established why I don't trick or treat anymore.
Do you see figures in your peripheral vision?
All the time, but nothing is ever there. I also sometimes hear someone call my name when I'm alone. Freaks me out so much.
Are you superstitious?
Not really, no. The whole cracks in the pavement, three drains, walking under ladders.... seems a bit daft to me.
Weirdest Coincidence?
It was just after my nan had passed away, my family and I were talking in the living room, laughing at all the funny memories we had. My mum started talking about her large fork set that my nan hated (it was just a wall ornament of an oversized, wooden fork set) when out of nowhere the damn thing fell to the floor. Creepy.
Is Halloween your favourite holiday?
Yup. Even more so than Christmas. Don't get me wrong, Christmas is AMAZING.... but Halloween has the darker, macabre edge that I prefer.
If You Were in a Horror movie, how far would you get?
People joke that if life were a horror movie, I'd be the killer.... but I think that's actually quite true. I suffer from severe rage and I am waiting for the day when something inside of me snaps and I go on a rampage. But I wouldn't target people I know, I'd just take out the randoms on the street who smell or walk too slow.
I'd either be the killer or I'd be the idiot one who thinks they can take the killer and squares up to them only to be taken down in the most disgusting way imaginable.
How do you get into the Halloween spirit?
I was born in the Halloween spirit...... I'm not kidding. My room is black & white and filled with spooky trinkets, skulls, horror movie posters. I always wear dark clothes and my choice viewings are usually horror and Halloween based.
But, during the Halloween period I try and decorate a little more, just for fun.
Name one unusual thing you're afraid of?
I wouldn't consider it a fear, more just a sever dislike, and that's feet. They are revolting. I have four 'fears' in my life. Clowns, spiders, feet and phlegm. I'm not scared of them, I'd just rather not be near them.
Jack-o-lanterns, yes or no?
Major hell yes. I love me some pumpkin carving. Last year I got my mum to help and she said it was the first time she has ever carved one in her life. It was a fun time.
Pumpkin spice latte or hot chocolate?
I do love me some PSL, but I would have to say hot chocolate. It's more versatile. With the PSL that is exactly what you are getting, a pumpkin spiced cup of coffee. With hot chocolate you can have a multitude of different flavours.
Halloween party or scary movie marathon?
Movie marathon. I'm not exactly a party fan, I'm too antisocial for that, so give me a movie marathon any day.
Vampires or Zombies?
Vampires. I'll be honest, I've never been overly keen on zombies. I mean, besides Frankenstein and his Bride, and Sir Rob. I loved the original Night of the Living Dead movie, but its not the type of genre I actively go for. Vampires on the other hand are a genre I hunt for. I've always loved vampires, they are sexy and alluring.
Werewolves of Ghosts?
Probably Ghosts. Much like Zombies, I'm not really into Werewolf films. I mean, American Werewolf in London is great, but it takes A LOT for a werewolf movie to be great. Most of them are dreadfully camp. For example, Cursed.
Dolls or Clowns?
Dolls. Always dolls. Fuck Clowns! I hate clowns.
Skeletons or Zombies?
Skeletons. They have more a comical appeal, especially if you pretend the ribcage is a xylophone.
Bats or Black Cats?
I would have to say cats, but only because they are more accessible. I would LOVE to have a pet bat, those things are super cute, but they're wild so it's harder to tame one.
Witch or Vampire?
Vampire... no, Witch... Vampire... Witch... Vampire... Wit- I dunno, oh god I want both. I want, I want girls on bread.
This is one I genuinely cannot answer. I have adored both equally for over twenty years.
This is the part where I'm supposed to 'tag' someone to do this questionnaire. Blah blah blah.
Wednesday, 29 July 2015
Inside Out
Okay..... this is going to be really difficult. I want to write a little 'review' (more of a rant than a review to be fair) but I don't want to swear throughout because this is actually regarding a topic that is important to me and I don't want to come across bitter and negative (even thou I am). I'm not eloquent enough to explain my feelings without losing my temper.
It's also hard because I adore literally all Disney movies, especially Pixar. My security blanket movie is Finding Nemo.
For those of you who have yet to see it, the story revolves around Riley, an 11 year old girl from Minnesota whole life gets turned upside down when her parents uproot her and move to San Francisco. We basically watch everything happen through the reactions of her five core emotions (joy, anger, fear, disgust and sadness) and we watch how they help guide her through the difficult life-changing event. Sounds like a brilliant idea for a movie and a clever way to introduce children to emotions and help them understand how and why some people struggle more.
I personally just think it failed with its execution. Had it been written and produced correctly I think it would have been the perfect platform to discuss how depression can effect people.
Years ago, depression and mental problems were nothing but whispers and nobody listened. But over the past few years people have been speaking up and sharing their struggles, and it has helped others realise the seriousness of the situation. And this film as I said, would be a good way to even help children get a basic understanding. Riley's behaviour considering the circumstances is textbook signs of depression. If you have seen the film you will know what I'm talking about.
The problem I had with it was it was clearly written by someone who has never experienced depression for themselves. And as I have, I felt rather let down by its dreadful stereotyping.
Not all depressed people are sad. We don't all cry every day. Crying does not help us feel better. Personally, when I'm feeling depressed I can't describe how I'm feeling, but I know it isn't sadness. It is a multitude of emotions, all clambering to the forefront of the brain. Someone on Tumblr covered it perfectly with this doodle...
I know I'm probably over-analysing and dissecting the movie too much, but personally I feel that the writers have portrayed emotional 'sad' people as nothing more than a bunch of irritating cry babies. Which is completely inaccurate.
I don't have an issue with the Riley character, or even four of the emotions.... It's Sadness that really wound me up. When I'm 'sad' I go for a walk to clear my head, I speak to my family and they help me discuss my feelings. I sure as hell don't flop to the floor and cry like a bitch. There was one quote that really bugged me, when Sadness said "crying helps me slow down and obsess over the weight of life's problems"
ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??!!
All the progress that has been made on the subject of emotional disorders and THIS is what Disney felt is appropriate to say. What a crock of sh--- poop! This is clearly going to damage the progression of depression awareness especially for children as they are just going to see sad people as criers who lay on the floor and sulk all the time. Which is not true. Personally, I cry when I'm angry, hungry, tired and happy. But rarely when I'm sad.
A friend said to me that maybe Disney probably just went basic to avoid any confusion for children, as the complexity of emotions is somewhat difficult to grasp at such a young age. But in dumbing down the content, it essentially branded sadness as negative and irritating. This is not the message we should be delivering to little kids.
So, I've ranted. And.......... breathe.
Thanks for listening.
Tuesday, 28 July 2015
Horror Cliches
To say I have watched a far few horror movies in my time would probably be an understatement. I would actually describe it as a worrying amount of horrors. Lets just say, if I even snapped and went on a killer rampage, they would totally blame it on the amount of time I have spent watching people get gutted. I have learnt a few tricks and tips.
However, as I have I have seen it all I would like to think I would know what to do if I ever found myself in a Horror-esque situation. I've seen all the cliches and stereotypes, I know who and what to avoid.
So, I have decided to list all my knowledge, so if you ever find yourself trapped, you would know what to look out for. This may just save your life.
1. The Car Wont Start
This one is a given. If you are on the run from an ax-wielding maniac, don't even think about jumping in your vehicle. Because nine times out of ten he has probably tampered with the thing, so it won't start. Either that or the breaks have been cut and because you were so desperate to get away you would have forgotten to put on your seat beat and will wind up face first in a tree. Or, third scenario, you drive away only to run out of gas right next to the forest/ cemetery/ abandoned warehouse/ lake...
2. The Phones Wont Work
Don't bother reaching for the phone, the land-line wires have been cut. You know if someone is planning on having their own personal stab-a-thon they probably have taken out the phones to avoid you immediately just calling the police.
And you can pretty much guarantee there will be no reception anyway, so your mobile is useless. However nowadays this one is a little moot because if you were getting butchered, you could just send out a tweet or something.
3. Prank Calls
IF your phone does work, there is a chance you will receive some form of menacing call. Either the killer will goad you into doing something stupid, will terrorize you purely by talking to you or they may just do the classic creepy breathing. There is also a chance you'll get a phone call from the police telling you that the killer is actually in the house and you need to be safe. If that is the case... GTFO! Don't go off and save anyone. If they have walked away on their own, that's their fault. Just spread the word fast and run for your life.
Also, you can also just *69 (or 1471 in the UK) and figure out who is prank calling anyway. Modern technology is much better than it was in the 80s.
4. Adults Just Don't Get It
If you are a teen and something weird is going on, don't tell an adult. They will not listen. They will treat you like an idiot, act like they don't care or will flat out ignore everything you say. They don't get it.
5. Women Will Fall When Running.
Granted this one is a rather sexist stereotype, but it is worth mentioning. Logic would be to wear sensible shoes. I hardly ever wear high heels. Not because I think Michael is going to pop out from behind the bushes, but because logic tells me to wear something I can run in. The world is an unsafe place. You always have to be careful. And, thanks to horror movies, I know that when I DO run, I will look out for any obstacles that may get in my way. Also, I'm sorry to say if you are a female who is gifted in the chest department you will not survive.
6. Sex = Death
This one is a favourite of mine. I mean, if your friends are slowly getting taken out one by one, who the hell thinks its an appropriate time to get nekked? Seriously? Unless death gives you the horn - in which case, I worry for your sanity - the last thing you should be thinking is getting your end away, especially after such brutality.
7. Death Anniversaries Equal Carnage.
Always keep an eye out if an anniversary is coming up. If someone was brutally butchered without explanation and the killer got away, hide. Because you can guarantee they will be back and will want to take out as many people as possible. Nothing says Happy Anniversary like offing the local idiot teenagers.
This one also ties in to a sub-cliche.... if someone was murdered years ago and there was no explanation, then suddenly more people are dying, it is very likely the murders all tie in together.
8. Never Investigate and Never Split Up.
The people who go off on their own are asking for it. If you are in an empty house and you hear a noise, DO NOT GO AND INVESTIGATE. Who the hell thinks that is a good idea? These are the people who usually vanish and then their bodies end up hanging somewhere in a grotesque fashion. This is what you get for acting like Sherlock. Also, when you have the advantage of being in a group, why bother splitting up? It never works for the Scooby gang so it won't work for you.
9. Attics and Basements Are a No-Go.
If the lights go out and the circuit breaker is in the attic or the basement, fuck it. Just get out of the house. Don't bother investigating, because that is usually where the killer is hiding. Or, its where they have been hiding out before hand. You will end up stumbling onto their little den where they have been sleeping, and as you slowly pace back in fear, they will appear behind you.
10. Houses Have History.
If you find a house that has been on the market for ages and is stupidly under-priced, check its history out. If anyone has been murdered in it, do not buy it. It is either possessed, haunted, or the killer will be back.
11. Check the Backseat of your Car.
This one is actually good life advice too. You never know who or what may be lurking in your backseat.
12. If a Virus has Spread, Run.
Don't bother saving your infected loved ones, even if you think there is still a little bit of them in there, because they will infect you. Its a kill or be killed situation. If I was infected I would like to think my family would have the decency of doing me in there and then. Don't drag out the inevitable.
13. Stay Away from Mirrors.
The killer will either smash through it and kill you, or will appear behind you. Also, DON'T say Bloody Mary or Candyman multiple times. Don't be THAT guy!
14. Crazy Locals Know Shit.
If some weird, trampy, local loony tries to warn you away from the lake, listen to him. He probably knows what he is talking about and is crazy for a reason. He has seen some things man, and some stuff. He wouldn't recommend it.
15. There's a Storm Coming.
If someone gets killed and suddenly a storm rips through your town.... run. Bad weather is the perfect setting for a killing spree. The mud is slippery, everything gets dark so its easier to hide and the lightening keeps everyone jumpy.
16. They are Down, Not Out. Never Check.
Just because you have knocked the killer down, it does not mean they are done. They will rise, and get you. So don't bother leaning over to see if they are breathing because that's asking for it. They will rise up and choke you to death. Same goes for de-masking a killer.
This one also ties into a sub-cliche.... Killers are indestructible. You can shoot them, stab them, electrocute them.... they will not stop. You aim for the head. And always, ALWAYS double tap.
18. Killers Never Run.
Don't bother sprinting away, because killers don't run. Keep up a brisk jog/run that you can maintain for a while. They will always keep up with you, even whilst just walking, so there is no point in you busting a lung.
19. Weird Voices and Other Languages.
If someone (mainly a child) suddenly starts speaking in a completely different language or in a voice that is not their own, don't ask questions. Just kill them.
20. Skip the Bath or Shower.
So what if you smell, I'd rather stink than die. Getting into a bath is basically doing the drowning work for the killer. All they have to do is hold your head down. Also, you have the embarrassment of dying whilst nude.
21. Prepare for Jump Scares.
This could be something as small as a cat appearing out of nowhere, lightening causing you to jump, someone innocent grabbing you by the shoulder, someone bumping into you as you walk backwards. These ALWAYS happen so remember to carry clean pants.
22. Don't Watch a VHS if it is Unlabelled.
Why the fuck would you watch it anyway? It's not going to be the new Batman movie or a classic like Casablanca. It's likely to be a horrid snuff film and by watching it you have cast yourself in the sequel.
23. The Heroine Will Suddenly Become MacGyver.
If the quiet, introverted girl suddenly turns into a mini MacGyver or John McClane, stick with her. she is the one to take the killer out.
24. Avoid Token Horror Places.
Do not go anywhere that is abandoned, avoid cemeteries, the woods, the lake, deserted towns... This one seems pretty obvious but you'd be surprised.
25. Avoid Stereotypical Characters.
The dumb bimbo will be killed, usually first. The overly manly man will also be killed, usually in a rather brutal way. The jester of the gang is one of the last to die. Stoners always snuff it, and their last word is always... "Dude". If you are any of these people.... bye.
26. Never Babysit.
Unless it is a family member, avoid babysitting at all costs. And if you are ever roped into babysitting, lock all the doors and take the phone off the hook. If things kick off, run. Leave the kids, they're dead anyway.
27. Clowns Are Evil.
End of. If you see one, run for your fucking life!!
28. Skip-ropes Are a Bad Omen.
If you see a bunch of young girls playing skip rope, singing something eerie.... you're fucked. End of. Sorry.
29. Shut the Hell Up.
If you have just ran from the killer and are attempting to hide somewhere, don't cry or pant. Also, when running, don't scream.
30. Don't Fake a Move.
If you are being chased upstairs and you run into a bedroom, don't open the window then hide in the closet hoping they'd take the bait. They are not stupid. If you have a chance to get to a window, USE IT!!
However, as I have I have seen it all I would like to think I would know what to do if I ever found myself in a Horror-esque situation. I've seen all the cliches and stereotypes, I know who and what to avoid.
So, I have decided to list all my knowledge, so if you ever find yourself trapped, you would know what to look out for. This may just save your life.
1. The Car Wont Start
This one is a given. If you are on the run from an ax-wielding maniac, don't even think about jumping in your vehicle. Because nine times out of ten he has probably tampered with the thing, so it won't start. Either that or the breaks have been cut and because you were so desperate to get away you would have forgotten to put on your seat beat and will wind up face first in a tree. Or, third scenario, you drive away only to run out of gas right next to the forest/ cemetery/ abandoned warehouse/ lake...
2. The Phones Wont Work
Don't bother reaching for the phone, the land-line wires have been cut. You know if someone is planning on having their own personal stab-a-thon they probably have taken out the phones to avoid you immediately just calling the police.
And you can pretty much guarantee there will be no reception anyway, so your mobile is useless. However nowadays this one is a little moot because if you were getting butchered, you could just send out a tweet or something.
3. Prank Calls
IF your phone does work, there is a chance you will receive some form of menacing call. Either the killer will goad you into doing something stupid, will terrorize you purely by talking to you or they may just do the classic creepy breathing. There is also a chance you'll get a phone call from the police telling you that the killer is actually in the house and you need to be safe. If that is the case... GTFO! Don't go off and save anyone. If they have walked away on their own, that's their fault. Just spread the word fast and run for your life.
Also, you can also just *69 (or 1471 in the UK) and figure out who is prank calling anyway. Modern technology is much better than it was in the 80s.
4. Adults Just Don't Get It
If you are a teen and something weird is going on, don't tell an adult. They will not listen. They will treat you like an idiot, act like they don't care or will flat out ignore everything you say. They don't get it.
5. Women Will Fall When Running.
Granted this one is a rather sexist stereotype, but it is worth mentioning. Logic would be to wear sensible shoes. I hardly ever wear high heels. Not because I think Michael is going to pop out from behind the bushes, but because logic tells me to wear something I can run in. The world is an unsafe place. You always have to be careful. And, thanks to horror movies, I know that when I DO run, I will look out for any obstacles that may get in my way. Also, I'm sorry to say if you are a female who is gifted in the chest department you will not survive.
6. Sex = Death
This one is a favourite of mine. I mean, if your friends are slowly getting taken out one by one, who the hell thinks its an appropriate time to get nekked? Seriously? Unless death gives you the horn - in which case, I worry for your sanity - the last thing you should be thinking is getting your end away, especially after such brutality.
7. Death Anniversaries Equal Carnage.
Always keep an eye out if an anniversary is coming up. If someone was brutally butchered without explanation and the killer got away, hide. Because you can guarantee they will be back and will want to take out as many people as possible. Nothing says Happy Anniversary like offing the local idiot teenagers.
This one also ties in to a sub-cliche.... if someone was murdered years ago and there was no explanation, then suddenly more people are dying, it is very likely the murders all tie in together.
8. Never Investigate and Never Split Up.
The people who go off on their own are asking for it. If you are in an empty house and you hear a noise, DO NOT GO AND INVESTIGATE. Who the hell thinks that is a good idea? These are the people who usually vanish and then their bodies end up hanging somewhere in a grotesque fashion. This is what you get for acting like Sherlock. Also, when you have the advantage of being in a group, why bother splitting up? It never works for the Scooby gang so it won't work for you.
9. Attics and Basements Are a No-Go.
If the lights go out and the circuit breaker is in the attic or the basement, fuck it. Just get out of the house. Don't bother investigating, because that is usually where the killer is hiding. Or, its where they have been hiding out before hand. You will end up stumbling onto their little den where they have been sleeping, and as you slowly pace back in fear, they will appear behind you.
10. Houses Have History.
If you find a house that has been on the market for ages and is stupidly under-priced, check its history out. If anyone has been murdered in it, do not buy it. It is either possessed, haunted, or the killer will be back.
11. Check the Backseat of your Car.
This one is actually good life advice too. You never know who or what may be lurking in your backseat.
12. If a Virus has Spread, Run.
Don't bother saving your infected loved ones, even if you think there is still a little bit of them in there, because they will infect you. Its a kill or be killed situation. If I was infected I would like to think my family would have the decency of doing me in there and then. Don't drag out the inevitable.
13. Stay Away from Mirrors.
The killer will either smash through it and kill you, or will appear behind you. Also, DON'T say Bloody Mary or Candyman multiple times. Don't be THAT guy!
14. Crazy Locals Know Shit.
If some weird, trampy, local loony tries to warn you away from the lake, listen to him. He probably knows what he is talking about and is crazy for a reason. He has seen some things man, and some stuff. He wouldn't recommend it.
15. There's a Storm Coming.
If someone gets killed and suddenly a storm rips through your town.... run. Bad weather is the perfect setting for a killing spree. The mud is slippery, everything gets dark so its easier to hide and the lightening keeps everyone jumpy.
16. They are Down, Not Out. Never Check.
Just because you have knocked the killer down, it does not mean they are done. They will rise, and get you. So don't bother leaning over to see if they are breathing because that's asking for it. They will rise up and choke you to death. Same goes for de-masking a killer.
This one also ties into a sub-cliche.... Killers are indestructible. You can shoot them, stab them, electrocute them.... they will not stop. You aim for the head. And always, ALWAYS double tap.
18. Killers Never Run.
Don't bother sprinting away, because killers don't run. Keep up a brisk jog/run that you can maintain for a while. They will always keep up with you, even whilst just walking, so there is no point in you busting a lung.
19. Weird Voices and Other Languages.
If someone (mainly a child) suddenly starts speaking in a completely different language or in a voice that is not their own, don't ask questions. Just kill them.
20. Skip the Bath or Shower.
So what if you smell, I'd rather stink than die. Getting into a bath is basically doing the drowning work for the killer. All they have to do is hold your head down. Also, you have the embarrassment of dying whilst nude.
21. Prepare for Jump Scares.
This could be something as small as a cat appearing out of nowhere, lightening causing you to jump, someone innocent grabbing you by the shoulder, someone bumping into you as you walk backwards. These ALWAYS happen so remember to carry clean pants.
22. Don't Watch a VHS if it is Unlabelled.
Why the fuck would you watch it anyway? It's not going to be the new Batman movie or a classic like Casablanca. It's likely to be a horrid snuff film and by watching it you have cast yourself in the sequel.
23. The Heroine Will Suddenly Become MacGyver.
If the quiet, introverted girl suddenly turns into a mini MacGyver or John McClane, stick with her. she is the one to take the killer out.
24. Avoid Token Horror Places.
Do not go anywhere that is abandoned, avoid cemeteries, the woods, the lake, deserted towns... This one seems pretty obvious but you'd be surprised.
25. Avoid Stereotypical Characters.
The dumb bimbo will be killed, usually first. The overly manly man will also be killed, usually in a rather brutal way. The jester of the gang is one of the last to die. Stoners always snuff it, and their last word is always... "Dude". If you are any of these people.... bye.
26. Never Babysit.
Unless it is a family member, avoid babysitting at all costs. And if you are ever roped into babysitting, lock all the doors and take the phone off the hook. If things kick off, run. Leave the kids, they're dead anyway.
27. Clowns Are Evil.
End of. If you see one, run for your fucking life!!
28. Skip-ropes Are a Bad Omen.
If you see a bunch of young girls playing skip rope, singing something eerie.... you're fucked. End of. Sorry.
29. Shut the Hell Up.
If you have just ran from the killer and are attempting to hide somewhere, don't cry or pant. Also, when running, don't scream.
30. Don't Fake a Move.
If you are being chased upstairs and you run into a bedroom, don't open the window then hide in the closet hoping they'd take the bait. They are not stupid. If you have a chance to get to a window, USE IT!!
Friday, 24 July 2015
My Buffy Soundtrack
Anyone who knows me is aware of my Buffy obsession. It started when I was thirteen and has adapted throughout the years as I grew. Right at the beginning I was insane. Like borderline worshipping Buffy. It was quite worrying at times.
It started with the hair.... I needed her hair cuts. I attempted a fringe as Season One was airing, then cut everything off when Season Two started. I tried bleaching my hair, tried layers and feathering (which DID NOT look good as my hair was - and still is - painfully thick) but at the time, I didn't care. I wanted to be Buffy.
During that obsession I also fixated on her clothes. Mainly the first three seasons, but this obsession was just as bad as the first one. I made an actual list of every single outfit she wore. Including the hair accessories and jewelry. I think I still have these notes, somewhere around.
After those two obsessions faded I started on the house. I wanted Buffy's hair, then her clothes, then her bedroom. I tried buying identical home-ware just so I would match............ I told you it was bad.
Then I started on the soundtrack. I needed every single song ever used on that show. I bought random albums just for single tracks, I downloaded torrent after torrent of files about Buffy to locate all the hidden gems I could. I didn't know what the hell I was doing, but I was a girl on a mission. If only I had known how easy it was to convert YouTube audio to MP3, I wouldn't have had to spend YEARS looking. Grumble.
THANKFULLY, the crazy obsession faded and I grew to appreciate everything about the show. But I will admit, the soundtrack has remained my favourite of the obsessions. I have all the tracks on my iPod and I play them when it's sunny and I'm feeling happy. (I also have a depressing playlist I put on when I'm blue) but mostly when I'm in a good mood I pop the music on.
Anyway.... yesterday I saw a post on Tumblr where someone listed their favourite 'Buffy Music Moments' and I liked the idea so much I decided to put a list together myself. This is a mish-mash of my favourite songs, usually just because of the song in general but sometimes because of the scene that goes along with it.
Season One
This song is on both versions of the album 'Radio Sunnydale'.
Stoner Love, Superfine - Teachers Pet
I tracked this one down online.
Jobs Eye, Far - The Pack
Stoner Love, Superfine - Teachers Pet
I tracked this one down online.
Jobs Eye, Far - The Pack
This song is on the album 'Tin Cans with Strings For You'.
I’ll Remember You, Sophie Zelmani - Angel
I tracked this one down online.
I’ll Remember You, Sophie Zelmani - Angel
I tracked this one down online.
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Season Two
This song is on the album Viva! La Woman and also the UK edition of 'Radio Sunnydale'.
Stupid Thing, Nickel - School Hard
I tracked this one down online.
Fate, Dingoes Ate my Baby - Inca Mummy Girl
This song is on the album 'Thrown to the Wolves' by 'Four Star Mary'.
She, Louis Says - Reptile Boy
I tracked this one down online.
I tracked this one down online.
This song is on 'The Buffy Album'.
I Only Have Eyes for You, Flamingos - I Only Have Eyes for You
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This song is on the album 'Surfacing'.
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I tracked this one down online.
This song is on 'The Buffy Album.'
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This song is on 'The Buffy Album'.
I tracked this one down online.
This song is on the album 'Carnival of the Animals'.
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This song is on the UK edition of 'Radio Sunnydale'.
This song is on both versions of the album 'Radio Sunnydale'.
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Season Six
This song is on the album ' Golden State'.
This song is on the US edition of 'Radio Sunnydale'.
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Season Seven
Blue, Angie Hart, Conversations With Dead People
This song is on both versions of the album 'Radio Sunnydale'.
This song is on both versions of the album 'Radio Sunnydale'.
This song is on the album 'South'.
Wednesday, 15 July 2015
Periods 2, Electric Boogaloo.
(I had this one in my drafts for a while now as I was seeking input on menstruation after menopause, but instead I've just decided to post it as it)
I've have had so much input regarding periods that I needed a part two. I'll try not to be too gross this time.
With the last post I covered the struggles through a regular period, but now I will be covering a few other issues. I was planning on writing about what periods are like during and after the menopause but I didn't get much input regarding that. I did however get a lot of info on pregnancy periods.... I thought what I went through was bad, but after having a chat with a few friends and family I realised that I was even more naive that I thought. I have it pretty easy. There is a whole new level of horror out there.
After pregnancy periods
Obviously, this was something that didn't cross my mind because I don't have kids or even plan on having them, but apparently the periods you get after having a baby get much worse. They are heavier, more painful and can last much longer. I googled a little and read that some women can bleed constantly for over a month after having a child. YIKES!
One friend confessed that before falling pregnant she had difficult periods but once her baby was born it got a hell of a lot worse. She went through 21 sanitary pads in one day. (My average is four a day. So that is terrifying.) Her description of the pain is "like there was a team of people inside her, ripping and chewing their way through the womb, trying to get out". And she said it took a year for them to get back to 'normal'.
The many misconceptions people have regarding falling pregnant and having children is shocking. People believe that once a girl is pregnant, she won't have a period. This is completely false. Some women still continue to bleed, and can do for the entirety of the pregnancy. I myself have been rather deluded for quite some time. I believed that it wouldn't take long for your body to recover from pregnancy and labour, obviously I'm wrong. It really makes me think, if I consider the amount of women who get knocked up again almost immediately after having a baby, that's not even given the body a chance to get back to normal.
Also, I was informed that after you have a child, during your first period you probably won't be able to use tampons for a while because they won't stay in due to the stretching. One friend even confessed that she has to go back to the hospital because they didn't stitch her up properly after her perineum tore and she hardly has any skin between the base of her vagina and her anus anymore.
Mens reaction to periods
This is something bugs the shit out of me. Growing up around guys (at school, in college and at work) they used to treat any girl on their period like a leper. I get that they are just reacting to something they don't have experience with and don't understand, but its the equivalent of us judging them on morning wood and wet dreams. Its completely natural.
And it's not dirty either. The blood that comes out every month is not gross, coagulated blood. I think the stigma with periods is because everyone assumes stuff that comes out of a body is technically waste, period blood gets tarnished with the same brush.
I'm lucky as I have not had to deal with pig headed guys, but I have heard stories from friends that their male partners have outright refused to purchase anything for them to assist with that time of the month. Some have even gone as far as not allowing the products in their shopping trolleys. The worst story I have been told is that one of my female friends had to sleep on the sofa every month, because her boyfriend feared that she would 'bleed on him in the night'.Thankfully she dumped the shit not soon after.
This is the bullshit some women have to deal with. It's not fair.
I know not all men are like that, in fact some are really supportive. My ex housemate would always buy me chocolate. He could just tell I needed it.
Birth Control.
Monthly pills, injections, rods.... can sometimes be a blessing, as they help regulate and shorten periods, but can also assist in easing the cramps too. However, they don't work for everyone.
I have spent years trying various different contraceptive, not just to avoid pregnancy but to help regulate myself, but all my experiences have been horrible. I spent most of my teens and early twenties on Microgynon but that made me bloated and spotty, so I changed to a progesterone-only pill or 'the mini pill' which was great for a while but eventually destroyed my sex drive and gave me migraines. I stopped taking anything for a while but my periods became so erratic I needed to get better control of them, so my doctor put me on Yasmin. This made my breasts get bigger but also made me extremely aggressive, so i had to stop. Last year I thought I'd try going on the Depo Injection (the three month jab) to get rid of my periods altogether, but after one injection I went up three dress sizes, and that freaked me out. I struggle with my weight as it is, I didn't need anything more to cause issues.
So if you do decide to go on any form of medication to assist, do some research and be prepared for some negative side effects.
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