Horror Cliches

To say I have watched a far few horror movies in my time would probably be an understatement. I would actually describe it as a worrying amount of horrors. Lets just say, if I even snapped and went on a killer rampage, they would totally blame it on the amount of time I have spent watching people get gutted. I have learnt a few tricks and tips. 

However, as I have I have seen it all I would like to think I would know what to do if I ever found myself in a Horror-esque situation. I've seen all the cliches and stereotypes, I know who and what to avoid. 

So, I have decided to list all my knowledge, so if you ever find yourself trapped, you would know what to look out for. This may just save your life. 

1. The Car Wont Start
This one is a given. If you are on the run from an ax-wielding maniac, don't even think about jumping in your vehicle. Because nine times out of ten he has probably tampered with the thing, so it won't start. Either that or the breaks have been cut and because you were so desperate to get away you would have forgotten to put on your seat beat and will wind up face first in a tree. Or, third scenario, you drive away only to run out of gas right next to the forest/ cemetery/ abandoned warehouse/ lake... 

2. The Phones Wont Work
Don't bother reaching for the phone, the land-line wires have been cut. You know if someone is planning on having their own personal stab-a-thon they probably have taken out the phones to avoid you immediately just calling the police.
And you can pretty much guarantee there will be no reception anyway, so your mobile is useless. However nowadays this one is a little moot because if you were getting butchered, you could just send out a tweet or something. 

3. Prank Calls
IF your phone does work, there is a chance you will receive some form of menacing call. Either the killer will goad you into doing something stupid, will terrorize you purely by talking to you or they may just do the classic creepy breathing. There is also a chance you'll get a phone call from the police telling you that the killer is actually in the house and you need to be safe. If that is the case... GTFO! Don't go off and save anyone. If they have walked away on their own, that's their fault. Just spread the word fast and run for your life. 
Also, you can also just *69 (or 1471 in the UK) and figure out who is prank calling anyway. Modern technology is much better than it was in the 80s.

4. Adults Just Don't Get It
If you are a teen and something weird is going on, don't tell an adult. They will not listen. They will treat you like an idiot, act like they don't care or will flat out ignore everything you say. They don't get it.

5. Women Will Fall When Running.
Granted this one is a rather sexist stereotype, but it is worth mentioning. Logic would be to wear sensible shoes. I hardly ever wear high heels. Not because I think Michael is going to pop out from behind the bushes, but because logic tells me to wear something I can run in. The world is an unsafe place. You always have to be careful. And, thanks to horror movies, I know that when I DO run, I will look out for any obstacles that may get in my way. Also, I'm sorry to say if you are a female who is gifted in the chest department you will not survive. 

6. Sex = Death
This one is a favourite of mine. I mean, if your friends are slowly getting taken out one by one, who the hell thinks its an appropriate time to get nekked? Seriously? Unless death gives you the horn - in which case, I worry for your sanity - the last thing you should be thinking is getting your end away, especially after such brutality.

7. Death Anniversaries Equal Carnage.
Always keep an eye out if an anniversary is coming up. If someone was brutally butchered without explanation and the killer got away, hide. Because you can guarantee they will be back and will want to take out as many people as possible. Nothing says Happy Anniversary like offing the local idiot teenagers. 
This one also ties in to a sub-cliche.... if someone was murdered years ago and there was no explanation, then suddenly more people are dying, it is very likely the murders all tie in together. 

8. Never Investigate and Never Split Up.
The people who go off on their own are asking for it. If you are in an empty house and you hear a noise, DO NOT GO AND INVESTIGATE. Who the hell thinks that is a good idea? These are the people who usually vanish and then their bodies end up hanging somewhere in a grotesque fashion. This is what you get for acting like Sherlock. Also, when you have the advantage of being in a group, why bother splitting up? It never works for the Scooby gang so it won't work for you.

9. Attics and Basements Are a No-Go.
If the lights go out and the circuit breaker is in the attic or the basement, fuck it. Just get out of the house. Don't bother investigating, because that is usually where the killer is hiding. Or, its where they have been hiding out before hand. You will end up stumbling onto their little den where they have been sleeping, and as you slowly pace back in fear, they will appear behind you. 

10. Houses Have History.
If you find a house that has been on the market for ages and is stupidly under-priced, check its history out. If anyone has been murdered in it, do not buy it. It is either possessed, haunted, or the killer will be back.

11. Check the Backseat of your Car.
This one is actually good life advice too. You never know who or what may be lurking in your backseat. 

12. If a Virus has Spread, Run.
Don't bother saving your infected loved ones, even if you think there is still a little bit of them in there, because they will infect you. Its a kill or be killed situation. If I was infected I would like to think my family would have the decency of doing me in there and then. Don't drag out the inevitable. 

13. Stay Away from Mirrors.
The killer will either smash through it and kill you, or will appear behind you. Also, DON'T say Bloody Mary or Candyman multiple times. Don't be THAT guy! 

14. Crazy Locals Know Shit.
If some weird, trampy, local loony tries to warn you away from the lake, listen to him. He probably knows what he is talking about and is crazy for a reason. He has seen some things man, and some stuff. He wouldn't recommend it. 

15. There's a Storm Coming.
If someone gets killed and suddenly a storm rips through your town.... run. Bad weather is the perfect setting for a killing spree. The mud is slippery, everything gets dark so its easier to hide and the lightening keeps everyone jumpy. 

16. They are Down, Not Out. Never Check.
Just because you have knocked the killer down, it does not mean they are done. They will rise, and get you. So don't bother leaning over to see if they are breathing because that's asking for it. They will rise up and choke you to death. Same goes for de-masking a killer.
This one also ties into a sub-cliche.... Killers are indestructible. You can shoot them, stab them, electrocute them.... they will not stop. You aim for the head. And always, ALWAYS double tap.

18. Killers Never Run.
Don't bother sprinting away, because killers don't run. Keep up a brisk jog/run that you can maintain for a while. They will always keep up with you, even whilst just walking, so there is no point in you busting a lung.

19. Weird Voices and Other Languages.
If someone (mainly a child) suddenly starts speaking in a completely different language or in a voice that is not their own, don't ask questions. Just kill them.

20. Skip the Bath or Shower.
So what if you smell, I'd rather stink than die. Getting into a bath is basically doing the drowning work for the killer. All they have to do is hold your head down. Also, you have the embarrassment of dying whilst nude. 

21. Prepare for Jump Scares.
This could be something as small as a cat appearing out of nowhere, lightening causing you to jump, someone innocent grabbing you by the shoulder, someone bumping into you as you walk backwards. These ALWAYS happen so remember to carry clean pants.

22. Don't Watch a VHS if it is Unlabelled.
Why the fuck would you watch it anyway? It's not going to be the new Batman movie or a classic like Casablanca. It's likely to be a horrid snuff film and by watching it you have cast yourself in the sequel. 

23. The Heroine Will Suddenly Become MacGyver.
If the quiet, introverted girl suddenly turns into a mini MacGyver or John McClane, stick with her. she is the one to take the killer out. 

24. Avoid Token Horror Places.
Do not go anywhere that is abandoned, avoid cemeteries, the woods, the lake, deserted towns... This one seems pretty obvious but you'd be surprised. 

25. Avoid Stereotypical Characters.
The dumb bimbo will be killed, usually first. The overly manly man will also be killed, usually in a rather brutal way. The jester of the gang is one of the last to die. Stoners always snuff it, and their last word is always... "Dude". If you are any of these people.... bye. 

26. Never Babysit.
Unless it is a family member, avoid babysitting at all costs. And if you are ever roped into babysitting, lock all the doors and take the phone off the hook. If things kick off, run. Leave the kids, they're dead anyway.

27. Clowns Are Evil.
End of. If you see one, run for your fucking life!! 

28. Skip-ropes Are a Bad Omen.
If you see a bunch of young girls playing skip rope, singing something eerie.... you're fucked. End of. Sorry.

29. Shut the Hell Up.
If you have just ran from the killer and are attempting to hide somewhere, don't cry or pant. Also, when running, don't scream. 

30. Don't Fake a Move.
If you are being chased upstairs and you run into a bedroom, don't open the window then hide in the closet hoping they'd take the bait. They are not stupid. If you have a chance to get to a window, USE IT!!