Smile You Son of A Bitch - 40 Years of Jaws

Mr. Vaughn, what we are dealing with here is a perfect engine, an eating machine. It's really a miracle of evolution. All this machine does is swim and eat and make little sharks, and that's all. Now, why don't you take a long, close look at this sign. Those proportions are correct.

Back in the summer of 1975 a movie hit the big screens that terrified the nation. People from far and wide suddenly became too afraid to go to the beach or even go swimming anymore. The fear that lurking in that big blue sea was monster the likes of which had never been seen. A 24ft Great White Shark that was silently gliding, hunting, ready to devour and turn the sea red.......  

Fast forward to 24th August 1990, my 7th birthday. My parents passed me my main present. It was a huge box filled with packing. As I was pulling the stuffing out and getting deeper and deeper into the box I began to wonder... was there anything even in the box? But just as I gave up hope, I pulled out the last piece of packing and lying right there at the bottom were all four Jaws videotapes, staring up at me. This memory will forever be etched in my memory.

You see, I am a huge Jaws fan. Always have been. I vaguely remember watching the Jaws 3 intro when I was really little and freaking out over the half fish in 3D. I think I was about three-ish when I saw that. Once I got over the initial fear, curiosity kicked in. Hence why my parents got me the tapes. I would go as far as saying that gift, the video set, was probably the best gift I have ever received.

It has been 25 years, and I am still in love with this film. It's my number one. The movie is perfection, the novel is exquisite and the soundtrack is breathtaking. I could literally gush about it for hours. I watch the film roughly once a week. I have it on my iPhone so sometimes I watch it whilst travelling to and from work. So, to do the math I have seen it over 2,500 times. I know that sounds a little obsessive, borderline crazy, but you don't understand the bond I have with this film. I hate it when people speak negatively about it, and just the thought of anyone even considering remaking it makes me want to burn the whole world down.

Yeah, I'm obsessed.

And now this film is celebrating it's 40th anniversary. And that to me is insane. It doesn't feel like it's THAT old. I don't feel like I'm old enough to have been religiously watching a film for 25 freaking years...... but apparently it's true.

To celebrate the anniversary of Jaws, this masterpiece is returning to the cinemas. I for one am there with bells on. I had the privilege to watch it on the big screen back in 2010 when the PCC (Prince Charles Cinema) showed it along with Jurassic Park. And I will definitely be going to see it again, but this time I'm taking my mum.

You see, the whole reason I love this movie, the reason the obsession came about was because of her. She watched it in the cinema when it first came out. It was her first date with my biological father. Had she not seen it, I doubt she would have introduced me to it all those years later. 

I'll be honest, I do actually have a couple of issues with the film. The actual shark used on set is almost laughable, but then I can argue that back in the 70s they didn't have the levels of CGI we have today and after watching Sharknado we can all agree, it could have been much worse. The fact that the shark didn't work for most of the filming was clearly a blessing as Spielberg used camera placement instead, which brought an ominous and foreboding element to the film. I actually preferred not seeing 'Bruce' because it let me use my own imagination which is sometimes more fun.

Another issue I have with the movie is the fear mongering. Before the release of Jaws, no-one really gave sharks much thought, then Jaws came out and created this image of an aquatic maniac. With movies like Gremlins, Frankenstein, Dracula... we can laugh it off because those monsters don't actually exist.... but sharks do. Now we perceive them as monsters who lurk just off the coast of any beach, waiting to tear us apart and devour the pieces. Anyone with half a brain can tell you that couldn't be further from the truth. Sharks are harmless. The don't search the sees for droplets of blood, they are inquisitive creatures yeah, but they aren't out to attack. If they ever do it is because that diver in an all black scuba suit resembles a seal from beneath. So if anything, it's our fault for trespassing in their home. We don't belong in the sea. Anyway, back on topic, once Jaws was released, shark hunting became a sport. Macho idiot fishermen took to their boats ready to fight these creatures. And now they are on the endangered species list.

But regardless of any issues I have with the film, the second I hear the intro, I'm glued to the TV. I could watch it again and again. As a matter of fact, I am going to put it on now. It doesn't matter that I know what is going to happen already. It doesn't matter that I know the entire transcript off by heart. It doesn't even matter that I actually watched it whilst getting dressed this morning. It is a wonderful movie and I enjoy it every single time I watch it.

Happy 40th Anniversary Jaws... from a huge fan. 

little dumb side-bar.... You have no idea how difficult it has been for me to name this bloody post. I really wanted to call it "You're Gonna Need a Bigger Boat" because that is the most famous quote of the movie, but I've already used it for a different post. So I started thinking of other ones to use, but that got a little out of hand as I have loads of favourites. So I picked out my ultimate favourites...

Smile You Son of a Bitch

That's Some Bad Hat Harry 

Show Me The Way To Go Home

I Think He's Come Back for His Noon Feeding

My Kids Were on that Beach Too

I Can do Anything, I'm Chief of Police

Amity as you Know Means Friendship

... and messaged everyone I knew to make them choose. 'Smile' won out, and here we are. :)

Facts About Women No-One Wants to Know.

Okay.... this one is going to be pretty disgusting so if you are easily disturbed/ offended, please do not read on. 

A couple of days ago I broke the news to a male friend that (most) women are usually always at the stage of needing to fart throughout the day. This freaked him out because he had a rather deluded idea that women fart less than men, hence why we don't do it in public. This idealism he had kinda bugged me. I mean, our insides are exactly the same as theirs, why would we produce a different amount of gas? Just because we hold it in when we're in public, doesn't mean we don't let rip the second we are alone. I think because women hold them in and try to seem elegant, we give over the impression that we are not gross. This is obviously a big fat lie. We are just as disgusting..... Maybe more so, than men. However, my friend refused to believe me.

So, I went on Facebook calling out women and asked them to admit their dirty secrets, and they all delivered! I was literally traumatised by some of them.  This is some of the interesting confessions I got...

(Disclaimer, I say 'we' in a general sense. I know there are women out there who are not this gross, I don't even do most of these so even thou I generalise, please don't think I'm talking about you.)

Bodily functions.

* Yes, we fart. This is true. Flatulence is hilarious, regardless of what is between your legs. I can't tell you the amount of times I have watched a female friend double over laughing because of the sound and smell of her farts. We also enjoy the smell of our farts, and we are secretly proud if we offend ourselves with the odour. We're even more proud if we can offend others. When I was younger, my sister and I used to record her farts. One sounded like a duck and another sounded like a cockney saying 'alright'. 

* Queefs are different. They usually hit at the worst possible time.... during sex or at a yoga class. These are funny too, but only we are allowed to laugh. If we're having sex and a guy chuckles at our vaginal flatulence, we lose our lady boners.

* If we cough, sneeze or laugh too hard, a little bit of wee will come out. 

* We take epic dumps. The reason not many guys are aware of this is because we usually clean up after ourselves. Just because we don't leave battle streaks down the porcelain and we mask the smell with air freshener, it doesn't mean we didn't drop a log. I can actually point out for a fact that women stink. I've worked in retail and have seen and smelt the state of the toilets...... We're fucking minging!

* We also discuss our pooping habits with friends. The closer we are to said friend, the more detailed the conversation can get. I have a friend who takes pictures of her shit and sends it to her mother. The less I say about that, the better. (However secretly I am considering doing this myself. My mum is going to hate me!)
   
We are secret sniffers and pickers.

* We pick our nose. Many men are surprised by this. Nose mining isn't just for men. I know no-one will believe me when I say I hate picking my nose, but it is true. I have issues when it comes to boogers & phlegm and such, so nostril picking grosses me out, but I know A LOT of girls who not only admit to doing it but also enjoy it. The bigger the snot lump, the more pride they feel. Sometimes it’s necessary, especially when there is one up there that is irritating the shit out of you. 

* We sniff our crotch to see if it stinks. This is something we kinda HAVE to do, because no-one likes the smell of a pungent vagina. It gets sweaty down there, you should know, so sometimes we have a subtle 'rearrange' and then stealthily sniff our hand to make sure it doesn’t smell. We are always paranoid about smelling, especially when it's that time of the month.

* Spot popping! Who doesn't like popping spots? Whoever doesn't is LYING!! Everyone gets them and everyone pops them. It's just some girls get more enjoyment out of them than others.

* While we are on the subject, we are a gender of pickers. We pick at everything.... spots, scabs, blisters, boogers... you name it.  

* We also sniff a lot. The stuff between our toes, from our belly button, piercing holes... we have a sniff to see if its grim, and then feel disgusted with ourselves when we do.

We like seeing end results.

* We like to see the end result of things, what comes out of our nose, what colour our pee is, how large our turd was, the puss from our spots, what comes out of our ears... even our sanitary products.

I know it sounds grim but looking is a good thing. If you don't know what is coming out of your body, you won't notice when it changes, and change can sometimes mean something bad. If there was ever blood in your pee or poop, how would you know unless you looked?

Shaving and general maintenance.

* If we live in trousers, it's likely we don't shave as much. This is fairly obvious but you'll be amazed at how much men assume we shave daily. Shaving sucks, waxing fucking hurts and laser hair removal is expensive. So we can either shave it or leave it. And most of us leave it, especially during the winter. During the winter is can act as a second layer, ultimately keeping us warmer when needed.

* However when we do shave, we feel so fucking smooth we want EVERYONE to know about it. If a female friend tells me she has shaved and is wearing a skirt or shorts, it is expected of me to have a feel so I can appreciate the amazing job she has done. Shaving is such a chore; we deserve a reward at the end.

* When we are in a rush but we need to wash, we'll sometimes take a 'whores bath' which essentially just a wipe down to freshen up the sweaty regions. Sometimes we'll use a flannel, sometimes just baby wipes. This usually happens the morning after a heavy night of drinking when we are due in work and slept through our alarm. Sometimes it's not by accident; we choose extra sleep over a thorough wash.

* We don't wash our bras as often as we probably should. This is because there is always one bra that fits us perfectly, makes our breasts look great and is comfortable as hell, so we don't want to have to go a day without it. We could own about 30 bras, but there is always that one that we wear constantly. We’ll put on the sexy lace stuff for sex, but that’s usually it.

* We hate washing our hair. I have insanely long and thick hair. It takes me about 20-30 minutes to thoroughly wash, 40 minutes to blow dry and 60 minutes to straighten. It's fucking annoying. So, I just tie it back. Usually a scraped back hair-do means we are greasy as hell. Also, contrary to popular believe, we shouldn't really be washing our hair every day as it's stripping the hairs of their natural oils, so greasy is good. That’s what I tell myself anyway.

* Our head hair gets EVERYWHERE, however it usually turns up between our buttcheeks. This is a bizarre phenomenon and cannot be explained, but I cannot tell you the amount of times I've been in the shower and I've found one, nuzzled between the cheeks. It's fucking bizarre.

Periods.

* We don't always get a warning on when we come on, so we end up bleeding on our underwear. This is the worst thing ever. I mean, unless we wear panyliners every single day, we are bound to have a pair of stained 'period pants' in our drawer. We bleed through things too so even if you are prepared, you aren't completely. If we are having an exceptionally heavy period, we can bleed through the pad, knickers, pyjamas and onto the sheets.

* Sometimes when we do randomly come on, it is so unexpected we don't have the supplies needed.... so we make our own DIY pads out of a wedge of tissue. This is just to cover ourselves until we reach a Tesco/ Boots... 


That is everything..... so far. If I get anymore, I'll make another post. Once I have finished cringing. 

Red, For The Win.

I wont lie... the shit I have done to my hair over the years has been brutal. I have bleached it, dyed it, stripped it, re-dyed it.... you name it, I've done it.

Here is a time-line of the abuse I've put my hair through so you know how horrid I am. I apologise now for the constant pictures of my face, I just wanted to show the various colours I have been. 

October 2012

The first ever time I went bright red. I had wanted to do it for ages but never really had the balls. I can't for the life of me remember how I went red so I won't be able to list any of the products I used. I think I may have roped one of my family to do it, or maybe my housemate Aymee. The red didn't last unfortunately because by that point I was working nights and couldn't be bothered with the upkeep, so I went back to brown. 
(I do not have a photo of the brown I went)

March 2013

By March, I had gone back to red again. This time I remember it was my housemate Aymee that helped me achieve the awesomeness. We used two boxes of SCHWARZKOPF LIVE COLOR XXL in 00A ABSOLUTE PLATINUM to strip whatever colour I had in my hair, and then put SCHWARZKOPF LIVE COLOR XXL in 43 RED PASSION on top of the blonde. To get it as bright as I wanted it I had to regularly re-dye it using DIRECTIONS SEMI PERMANENT COLOUR IN VERMILLION RED. This also helped keep the shine going.

July 2013

By July I had changed from Vermilion Red to both Pillarbox Red and Poppy Red. My hair was so bright it was insane. When it came to fixing the roots I'd just pop the Live Color Red Passion on the roots only and then cover everything in the Directions dye. It worked.... but my god, my bathroom looked like a murder scene. 

 

August 2013
 
On my 30th birthday I had a mini meltdown and decided that I wanted to go royal blue. Fuck knows what the hell happened to trigger that whim off but I was adamant I wanted it. So I stripped all my hair colour using COLOUR B4 HAIR REMOVER - EXTRA STRENGTH to pull all the red out. It went this blonde, which I loved. The next day I stuck two boxes of SCHWARZKOPF LIVE COLOR XXL in 00A ABSOLUTE PLATINUM on it, then followed with a DIRECTIONS HAIR DYE IN MIDNIGHT BLUE, which turned my hair a nasty light teal. It was horrid. So I stripped it again, however this time the colour wasn't shifting. I had stained my hair.
  
The Green Incident 

There are no pictures of my green hair, thankfully. I was so humiliated. After all the chaos with trying to strip my hair I had damaged it beyond repair. I stuck a semi permanent dark brown on it to cover up the teal (which turned it green because the green in the brown just highlighted the green in the teal) I even went to a professional hair salon to see if they could help me, but I had done THAT MUCH DAMAGE, my hair fried when they did a strand test using anything permanent. so there was no way I could do anything. I was stuck with green hair. 
Thankfully by that time night shifts were being offered out so I snapped them up and hid for months. Apparently the green looked intentional and all my friends loved it. I felt like a right tool. By December I was able to dye it again, so I went to a salon and asked for a standard brown.
(Again, I do not have a picture of the brown I went.)

 

March 2014

By February 2014 I had started a new job after a pretty horrid time in my previous employment, so to celebrate my sister Katrina helped me dye my hair.  She dyed the bottom black, just to shake things up. I kinda regret the black because it took ages to grown out, but at the time it looked pretty awesome. 

July 2014

By the summer I had got into a pretty standard hair routine. I'd only use GARNIER OLIA INTENSE RED 6.60. I was not ready to be adventurous with my hair. I think I was still traumatised by the green.  

December 2014

Again, plodding along with the Olia dye, I kept the colour consistent through the Christmas period.  








 

February 2015

In February I had yet another whim.... I wanted to go black. My inner goth was in charge and she wanted black hair. She also wanted to use white face foundation but thankfully I put a stop to that. However, going black with red hair is extremely difficult, so instead I decided to go dark brown and gradually build up black. Not just because of the difficulty, but because my family weren't too keep on the black idea.

March 2015

Annoyingly, the red kept seeping through all my brown dyes. It was horrible. No matter what I did, I could not get rid of the red. I tried a various collection of browns (through the February/ March/ April months, not all on one go)....

April 2015 - Part One

.. so I stripped again. Using COLOUR B4 HAIR REMOVER - EXTRA STRENGTH. By this time I had given up on the whole black idea and was planning on going bright red again. However, after I stripped the hair I kinda liked it. It was a nice strawberry blonde. I was planning on keeping it this colour throughout the summer, but because it was a little patchy I went to Boots and grabbed a semi permanent dye in the same colour I had: CLAIROL NICE N EASY LASTING COLOUR in DARK ASH BLONDE....
 

April 2015 - Part Two

... and this is what happened. It went fucking brown!! I don't know what happened, but I was so angry. My mother and I checked all the bottles and all the sachets to make sure we bough the right colour, and they all matched. Apparently my hair decided to be an ass and go brown. So I saw it as a sign, no blonde for Becky. So for the past month I have been rocking a rather dull brown.

May 2015 - Part One

Over the weekend I popped round to see my ex-housemates. I had been dabbling with the whole red idea for months and as I was with Aymee again, I decided to just do it. I'm so glad I did, regardless of how dead my hair now feels. We put two boxes of SCHWARZKOPF LIVE COLOR XXL in 00A ABSOLUTE PLATINUM over my hair for 30 minutes and left the blonde overnight. Then on the Saturday we used SCHWARZKOPF LIVE COLOR XXL in both 43 RED PASSION and 35 REAL RED as a base colour and then coated everything in MANIC PANIC ROCK AND ROLL RED. 

May 2015 - Part Two

Once I got home I noticed the ends were not as vibrant as the roots so on the Sunday I mixed what was left of the Manic Panic dye with my TRESEMME KERATIN SMOOTH DEEP TREATMENT MASQUE and covered my hair (focusing on the ends) and left it for 30 minutes. Then I put more conditioner AUSSIE 3 MINUTE MIRACLE RECONSTRUCTOR on for 3 minutes. That stuff is my ride or dye conditioner. It literally works miracles.



So... in just over 3 years I have done THAT much to my hair. I know, how am I not bald??? 
Here are my secrets.... 

1. CONDITIONER! Never underestimate the power of a good conditioner. I recommend Aussie Miracle Reconstructor and the Tresemme Hair Masque. If the masque says leave for 10 minutes... leave it for 20. No harm in a little extra treatment. Invest in a good conditioner. It'll be worth it. I'm not talking £40 - £60, but around the £10 - £20 mark. Also, stock up on serums and oils. Anything with Keratin or Argan Oil in. Those ingredients are very important.

2. Don't over wash you hair. Because of my hairs sheer length and thickness I can get away with washing it once a week. The natural oils on your scalp are good for your hair. The greasier, the better. Just make sure you stock up on dry shampoo.

3. Coconut oil. Lather your hair in that shit. Trust me. 

4. When you apply dye, if it burns too much wash it off. None of this "pain is beauty" bullshit. When it comes to hair, pain is a bad sign.

5. Do not vigorously brush your hair. Be gentle. If you have damaged your as much as me, you wanna treat it like baby hair. Soft brushing.

6. If you are going vibrant like me, mix your Manic Panic/ Directions/ Crazy Colour with a hair masque or strong conditioner to give it some extra help. The dye will still take, don't worry.  

7. If you are dying on top of dye, start with the ends and do the roots last. And obvious one here but you'll be surprised how few listen. 

8. Avoid heat as much as you can. When I blow dry, I keep it on the cool setting. Letting your hair dry naturally is recommended, but my hair is hella thick.